This Woman's Method for Testing First Date "Red Flags" Has People Conflicted
A woman revealed the method in which she tests her first dates and it's divided people on social media. Some say it's brilliant, while others find it "sadistic."
Navigating any type of relationship can be a tricky scenario as we have to constantly weigh our current feelings measured against the futuristic expectations of where the said relationship is headed, and what the entire picture of that relationship is.
Usually, or "first" or "natural" feelings for things don't really serve us in the long-term. Case in point: I always think it's a great idea to "nap" for no reason.
Then, when I wake up in an inebriated, confused fury three hours and 4 missed alarms later and I see the mounting list of errands I haven't completed, not to mention the fact that I haven't left my home in over 42 hours, I realize my first feeling about the nap wasn't exactly the best emotion I should've followed.
I'd argue that the same can be applied to relationships.
Maybe because you're so infatuated with someone at the beginning of a relationship that you begin to forgive behavior that is, evidentially, pretty gross. Like a muted or not-so-great reaction to getting them a birthday present, or the fact that they don't really enjoy going out in public with you, or constantly lose their train of thought whenever you're talking to them.
But it is true that present behavior can be a good indicator of future behavior, but what if there was a way to suss out these behavioral indicators from the get go? While there's really no exactly science for finding out if a person's "good or bad" for you to dedicate your time to, there are some ways to distinguish if this is the case, but it requires you to make some hard assessments of your own.
Namely, just look at the evidence. If you want to know whether or not someone's a liar, see if they follow through on what they're talking about. While you can always give a few excuses when something doesn't pan out or work in their favor, more often than not if someone's constantly dropping the ball on fulfilling promises they said they would make, then they're probably not trustworthy.
But when it comes to Tumblr user "The Rain Monster," they believe they've got a great method for "testing" first date red flags early on. One such method is seeing how someone reacts to an individual having a personal preference that is different than their own.
The idea behind just de facto "saying no" to a suggestion without being expected to explain yourself from the get-go, according to this Tumblr user's post about their friend could put you in a position to discover whether or not the first date is someone who's completely cool with not challenging a stranger's personal preference from the start.
It could be a valid tool in figuring out what the first date chooses to spend their energy on. If they'd rather confront someone about a simple personal preference than trying to find a place that may be more accommodating for them, it's a sign of their character.
The Rain Monster continued:
Psychology Today writer Suzanne Degges-White may have penned some "red flags" of her own that seem to correlate with this phenomenon and the "potential hazards" that they could represent down the road.
"You meet for a cup of coffee as a 'pre-first date' meet-up, and instead of inviting you to talk about yourself, she spends the hour telling you all about herself."
Degges-White continues, "Unless you were feeding her the questions and she was giving you the answers, it’s likely that her interest in herself will always outweigh her interest in a boyfriend’s life. Poor social skills can be corrected, but overt narcissism is almost impossible to cure."
So there definitely is a psychological consensus that you'll be able to guess how a relationship is going to turn on based on an individual's behavior.
There are several people who responded to The Rain Monster's Tumblr post however, who stated that the "test" was a manipulative one, an accusation that they denied.
The test is mainly conducted in order to ascertain what an individual's response would be to coming face-to-face with "a minor inconvenience."
It's also a way to see if there are ways to steer clear of people who are used to getting their way all the time.
However, there were still quite a number of men who believed that the post was an exhortation encouraging women to lie to prospective partners on their first ate.
Another Tumblr user broke down exactly what the "contrary" nature of the post is, to try and urge people not to be conciliatory for comfort's sake.
This is especially true of individuals who have been culturally raised to adhere to these norms. Personally speaking, I spent the most time with women in a familial structure that was very male-dominated. Because I identified more with my mom and aunts, I found myself becoming appeasing to a fault with others, especially men.
Others didn't really see it as much of an issue that the individual in question was "testing" a first date to begin with, arguing that it's such a "tiny" test with a total stranger that it's not as big of a deal as people made it out to be.
While the Tumblr post had its fair share of detractors, there were also tons of other individuals who thought that the advice given by The Rain Monster, (or their friend anyway) was a prime example of manipulation, there were throngs of others who believed that the only people who would be upset by the post would be the same type of people the "test" was designed to help first daters avoid.
And there are plenty of folks who've taken to social media to discuss their own red flags for first dates that they believe should've let them know from the get go that this particular relationship wasn't headed anywhere good.