Occasionally online stories are so heartwarming, they somehow restore our faith in all of humanity. For the record, this isn't exactly one of those. But it is so good, you'll be thankful you were alive to read it.
Dating is tough AF. Especially in the year of our lord 2019, what with the saturation of dating apps and the creeps who frequent them. You don't even need a doctorate degree in anthropology to come to this kind of conclusion. In fact, it was queen-of-the-internet Chrissy Teigen who kind of gave way to this incredible anecdote when she tweeted, "I don't know how you guys are out there dating now. God bless you on your journey."
Although Chrissy's tweet was pretty much unprompted, Kaity piggy-backed on the celebrity's Twitter klout to reminisce on her experience from a couple of years back, namely the time she "went on 2 dates with a guy who had this tattooed on his body."
For anyone with a slow internet connection or who's using a screen reader, "this" refers to an enormous chest tattoo featuring, from left to right: Benjamin Franklin sporting Beats by Dre, Abraham Lincoln donning a pair of Ray Bans, and George Washington covering the lower half of his face with a paisley bandana.
Since Kaity kind of just left that image on Chrissy's thread without any words detailing her two-time IRL encounter with this inspired human or her up-close-and-personal interaction with his award-deserving tattoo, curious people on Twitter had to pry to learn more. Thankfully, Kaity had pinned a whole story about this dude's ink on her page for just this moment.
"So Thursday night, I went out on a date with this guy and had a really great time," she writes in her Notes app, probably on the way back from her date, so shook that she had to get this all down for posterity. "He was decent looking and really nice and it was one of the best dates I've been on."
The date went swimmingly, and the two were immediately planning their next outing as a couple. Kaity continues, "I agreed, but I was like I gotta stalk this guy's social media. Meeting guys online means you always have to be prepared that he might be married or a serial killer... But nothing could have prepared me for THIS."
I'd like to add that I've seen my fair share of regrettable tattoos, but this one just takes the cake. It makes me want to tell anyone who's ever gotten a tattoo ironically to try harder. "That, my friends," writes Kaity, "is a real tattoo. A permanent piece of body art."
"What if I didn't find out about this beforehand and I decided to sleep with him? HE TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF AND ABRAHAM LINCOLN IS STARING ME RIGHT IN THE F--KING NIPPLES THROUGH HIS RAY BANS WITH NO WARNING. WHY IS BENJAMIN FRANKLIN WEARING BEATS??" Kaity wonders in despair.
The questions don't end there: "WHY IS GEORGE WASHINGTON WEARING GANG PARAPHERNALIA?? WHO LOVES AMERICA THIS F--KING MUCH???"
Being the brave person she is, Kaity decided she had to see this man again to possibly score a front-seat view of his massive patriotic chest tat. After all, her curiosity is at an all-time high and she has to learn the story behind this piece.
Flash to date night. "We meet up and he hugs me and I can literally feel the outline of these dead presidents' faces radiating through his shirt," she writes. "I'm honestly not sure how long I'm going to last through this date. He asks about my tattoos and this could be my moment but I get too nervous. Now isn't the time. We leave the bar and head to his place and my heart is racing in anticipation knowing that I'm going to get to meet our Founding Fathers soon."
I mean, who hasn't gone back to someone's house with something of an ulterior motive in the back of their heads? Sometimes a good look at a tattoo is all it takes to follow the invitation right back to his place.
"We get back to his place and he turns on a movie," Kaity adds, dejected. "He goes to change and I'm thinking this is it... He leaves his shirt on. Disappointment central."
"I can feel Abe's beady little eyes staring at me from beneath his Ray Bans and this man's shirt," she continues. "Things heat up, we hook up, and his shirt stays on the entire time. I'm panicking a little." At this point, one has to wonder whether, maybe, he was on to her. Or perhaps he was thinking this woman wasn't ready to witness his massive chest piece in all of its presidential glory.
Finally, the moment of truth arrives. Kaity writes, "He gets up again and off comes the shirt. THERE IN ALL ITS GLORY, OUR FOUNDING FATHERS. MY MOMENT HAS COME." I have no idea how she didn't just die in a fit of laughter right then and there, but I'm really glad she kept it together and was able to tell the tale.
"He gets in bed and as I lay my head on his chest, I swear I can hear the faint sound of George coughing underneath his bandana. I roll over and accidentally run my fingers through George's hair as I go to touch this man's face. (And just for good luck, I rub Abe's beard.)," writes this lucky woman.
It turns out this is just foreplay for the most epic post-coital conversation to ever take place.
First, the guy tries to play his chest tat off like it's just a temporary henna tattoo. Yeah, right! Then he finally explains that the reason he's immortalized the Founding Fathers on his body is to illustrate the old "hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil" three wise monkeys.
Because he "thought it'd be sick." Boy, you can say that again. Kaity is "shaking from internal laughter" at this point. I mean, imagine.
Gleefully, the guy goes to explain his tattoo. Abe, who's wearing Ray Bans, is "the see no evil." The other wise monkeys are Ben and George — "Franklin's got Beats and Washington's got a bandana." I can picture how ecstatic he is to get to talk about his ink.
By now, Kaity is unable to even, as the kids say. "I have to roll over because I'm shaking and there are tears running down my face," she writes to conclude "the story of how I mounted half of Mount Rushmore (+ Ben Franklin)."
I. Can't. Breathe. Never in the history of terrible tattoos or in the history of terrible dates have the two Venn-diagrammed so neatly to bring us entertainment. I'll probably never get inked again, the best tattoo in the world is clearly taken.