Man Doesn't Want His Girlfriend to Ask Him for Anything or Talk to Him at All After Work

He doesn't want to make small talk or be asked to do chores after work...and he works six days a week.

Robin Zlotnick - Author

Aug. 10 2020, Updated 5:46 p.m. ET

featured man watching tv
Source: iStock Photo / Reddit

If you don't want your girlfriend to talk to you or engage with you or ask you questions after you come home from work, and you work six days a week, maybe you just don't want a girlfriend. The man in this "Am I the A-hole?" post wrote that all he wants is endless peace and quiet when he gets home. 

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Unfortunately, though, that's not how relationships work. You can't have a partnership that moves exactly at the speed of your personal whims. There's always some compromise involved. Not to mention, you should probably enjoy spending at least some time with your significant other.

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Source: iStock Photo
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OP writes that he and his girlfriend have been together for four years. They are both residents, but he works out of the house, and she works from home in psychiatry. He's been working 12+ hour days, which is the life of a doctor, and he has been getting more and more stressed out from having a relationship on top of that.

But that's not exactly how he put it. OP wrote, "I'm tired from working 12+ hour days and coming home to conversation about unimportant stuff like what interesting patient she had or what decoration we should get for the table. On top of that, she'll ask me to help take the trash out or load the dishwasher, tasks I would normally be OK doing but I'm just so tired nowadays."

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So he doesn't want to talk to her about her day, their living space, or any other household tasks that need to get done. What does he want to talk to her about? Turns out...nothing. All he really wants to do is "fall asleep in front of the TV."

He argues that the household tasks are split evenly because even if she does all the cooking, laundry, and cleaning, he helps out with big projects like building furniture or moving heavy things. Anyone who has done household chores knows that those (daily! weekly! constant!) tasks do not compare to taking a few hours to put together an IKEA shelf.

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Source: iStock Photo

He claims that he really is so tired that he shouldn't be expected to carry on a simple conversation. "In order to stave off more arguments and whining from her," he wrote, "I suggested we make a rule that beyond a few minutes of conversation over dinner, she is not allowed to carry out long protracted conversations with me about non-urgent stuff and she is not allowed to ask me to do anything non-urgent as well, like take out the trash or do the dishes."

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He doesn't want a girlfriend. He wants a maid. And Reddit commenters told him as much. "YTA," one person wrote. "May I ask why you have a girlfriend? You loathe being spoken to by her. Being asked to take out the trash sends you into a rage. 

"Your every sentence drips with contempt for her. Is there any reason to think you wouldn't be much happier coming home to an empty apartment? I'm sure you appreciate her acting as your housekeeper, but you could probably afford to bring in a cleaning service. Let this poor girl go find someone who is willing to have a conversation with her."

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OP responds that he doesn't hate talking to her; he loves it when he's "well-rested and not beaten down by work." But when is that? Sundays?! Because that's no way to live. He also says conversation is fine "if she has something legitimate to talk about but usually she's just carrying on a conversation for the sake of talking."

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Oh my dude. She is not talking for talking's sake. She's talking to strengthen your connection, to have genuine human interaction (which is scant these days), and to share her life with the person she loves. All things anyone in a relationship should find essential. 

It's understandable to occasionally be too tired to talk or hang out after work. But it cannot be an everyday thing. What kind of quality of life is that for OP's partner? 

Another commenter wrote, "You are basically telling her, 'We are in a relationship, but please behave like a Roomba around me. You can clean and be silent otherwise.' This is not a relationship. Both partners have to work for that. If you are too exhausted for this, you have to do something about that. Either take steps to work less or try ask yourself if you are burnt out and need help."

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