Parenthood is no walk in the park. Seriously, have you tried dragging a screaming child through a park? It's one of the mortifying experiences you can have. Luckily, there are parents on Twitter who illustrate, with wicked humor and hilarious brutality, the harsh reality of what it's like to have kids. These tweets will make you laugh, which is better than crying. And as a parent, those are your two options, so...
No matter how much you "baby-proof" the house and make it "kid-friendly," your kids will find a way to destroy all your belongings. It's just a fact of life that you must accept. Before you give birth, you may want to hold a memorial service for your clean home. Take some pictures. Look at them when you feel sad. Because your house will never look like that again.
When my cousin was a little kid, she wanted to watch Elf every single day. Didn't matter what season it was. She needed to see Will Ferrell in tights. And you know what? It was the best. It's a perfect movie. I must have watched it 300 times, and it never got old.
I know what this is like because I was that kid who would never eat the apple that my parents sent me to school with. It would stay in my lunch bag for days until it was all bruised and sad, and then it would get thrown out because it was no longer good to eat. The world has lost so many apples that way.
If you're a parent, I'm sure you intimately know the experience of squirreling snacks away from your children. They're like vultures! Or like my dog when I open a bag of cheese in the next room. They come running the second they sense there are treats around.
This is a pretty good list. I would also add "love when your walls are covered in permanent marker scribbles," "enjoy being sticky," and "are only hungry for soggy leftovers soaked in saliva."
There's nothing that makes you confront your own mortality like a small child who learns your age. To them, everyone is old. If you're over 20, you're practically dead. Sorry. That's just the way it is.
As a parent, it is your prerogative to eat any and all chocolate that your child thinks belongs to them. It is also important not to let on that you stole their chocolate and to help them with their futile search.
When you become a parent, cleaning becomes a fruitless effort. No matter when you clean, how much you decide to "tidy up," it will all be for naught. Say goodbye to your floor now. You're never going to see it again.
Your kid's sports equipment or musical instruments or homework or shoes always go missing at the moment you need them most. That's just how the world works. My best advice is to have a t-shirt that's the same color as the jersey. Just in case.
It always happens this way. I grew up with siblings, and I remember my mom trying to navigate all our schedules and losing her mind. It was a life-changer when I could finally drive and be responsible for getting myself places.
Kids never stop asking "Why?" They will ask and ask until you don't even know who you are anymore. It's much easier to just let it go and put pants on the dog to stop the line of questioning.
This is a thoroughly modern problem that I bet every parent can relate to. Back in the day, before cell phones, how did kids stay busy while riding in the back of the car?
I love this. Kids want to play games on your phone and will ask you no matter the time of day or the occasion. You could be pooping...or dead. Doesn't matter. They want your phone.
There is nothing creepier children saying strange things. Sometimes kids seem to be much more in tune with the spiritual world or say things so out character that they could only be possessed. Kids are spooky, y'all!
I've never read a truer mathematical statement in my life. Oh, you decided you no longer like pretzel twists? Well, tough luck because we have 10 pounds of them in the cupboard.
Little kids will get upset about things that are so absurd that there is no way you can talk them down from being upset. That's just the way it is. They lose it over the most ridiculous things, and there's nothing you can do but let them cry until they fall asleep.
When you have a kid, just accept that you will never be clean again. You essentially have on your hands a small, mobile pile of germs. You will be sicker, grosser, stickier, and dirtier than you've ever been in your entire life.
This is too funny. I hope the kids are really little and not like...in middle school. Someday they'll learn that you can see through a chain link fence, and, if they don't, you'll save a lot of money.
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As someone who grew up with siblings and near-constant access to M&M's (my mom kept them in the house at all times), I know this problem very well. God forbid there should end up being an odd number of candies making it impossible to split them evenly.
Kids take forever to complete simple tasks. I don't know if I have the patience to be a parent. Kids are truly mind-meltingly slow. But parenthood is so magical and wonderful! The best thing! So fun! So cute! So unimaginably crazy.