Pregnancy does things to a person. Between the cravings and the discomfort alone, it's a nightmare. I feel like pregnant people should be given so much more credit on a consistent daily basis. Creating life is hard! The struggle bus that is being pregnant is very evident in these hilarious texts from people who, despite growing a human inside of them, still manage to be hilarious. I don't know how they do it. But they deserve the world.
Here is the thing. You may laugh at this text. It may have a grinning face emoji at the end. But I don't think she is kidding. At all. I really believe if you walk in that door without poutine, you are getting a kick in the shin. When pregnant people have cravings, they really have cravings. I have not been pregnant, but I am already swayed by the food I see on commercials. So I just know that if I ever get pregnant, I will be a nightmare when it comes to food cravings.
The thing about being pregnant is that you pretty much relinquish all control over your mood because your hormones fluctuate constantly, and you also give up any control whatsoever over your body. So while I don't believe it is rare for a pregnant person to yell at their significant other and then spend the night involuntarily farting in their general direction, I do appreciate the apology. It's the reaction to your own uncontrollable behavior that counts.
I love that this string of texts begins with a "DON'T PANIC" bitmoji. I don't know about you, but when I get like six texts from someone in rapid succession, I think the worst. But there is no cause for panic! This woman was just thinking through her food cravings in real time over text with her significant other. If her parter was smart, they would just bring home everything she lists — plus a few other things — and let her decide for herself.
Do you think he got the message? I'm worried it's not clear. I think what she is trying to say is that she's hungry. And she needs food right now. And she needs you to drop whatever you are doing, go get food, and bring it to her. I know she doesn't say that outright, but that's the subtext here. It's really a very nuanced string of texts. There's a lot to glean from it. What are you still doing here? She's hungry!
While some people don't want their partners to panic about their food-related texts, this woman wants all hands on deck. SOS! Mayday, mayday! "This is not a drill!" Seriously, though, how dare they forget the cheese sauce? I don't know what the cheese sauce is for. Could be fries, nachos, a burrito... It doesn't matter. The cheese sauce is always the most important part. And this pregnant woman wants her cheese sauce.
OK but if I am being really honest, I have 100 percent done this before while I was nowhere close to pregnant... and minus the carrots. Oreos are just so good! And they're vegan, which everyone knows means they are super healthy. They're basically carrots. (Don't @ me about this.) On a separate note, I love how proud this pregnant woman is of her sad college student dinner. She deserves all the Oreos and carrots in the world.
Sometimes you are just so hungry that you can't not eat the meatball sandwich that was sitting out all night. OK, truthfully, i don't know if I'd do this. Meatballs? At room temp for hours? I don't think so. But then again, I've never been pregnant. This text right here is a testament to how desperate pregnancy can make you. That meatball sub could have been dunked in a glass of Coke. She still would have eaten it if it was the only thing around.
I love everything about this conversation so much. This is what pregnancy is. It's complaining about how uncomfortable your butthole is one second, and then talking to your unborn baby and sending him messages from his excited parents-to-be the next. This is so cute and so real and also gross! Pregnancy is so much all at once: beautiful and messy and happy and insanely uncomfortable all at the same time.
When I think about being pregnant, I mean really think about what your body is doing during the process, my jaw drops. It's insane! In fact, I was just talking about this the other day. I was born with a head full of jet black hair. Like, it was several inches long and standing straight up when I came out. That means that my mom had a whole person with a whole head of hair inside of her. That's insane! The human body is insane.
You never really expect, if you have an innie belly button, to see the the outside of your belly button ever again. But when you get pregnant, that thing pops out! And apparently, at a certain point, it looks exactly like a cat's butthole. You know how people post pregnancy updates that are like, "Our baby's a lima bean!" or "Our baby's a peach!"? Well, I'm going to post belly button updates when I'm pregnant. "My belly button's a cat butthole!" "My belly button's now a marble!"
Oh nooooo, this one made me laugh, but it shouldn't have. I love how she approached the conversation very casually. "Hey babe, are you hungry? Do you want to get some food? Cool great because I got on the floor and now I am stuck and literally cannot lift myself into a standing position. OK great, see you soon! Would love a burrito. After you help remove me from the ground, that is. Perfect. I'll just be here, waiting. On the floor."
Pregnant people should get a pass to look however they want and do whatever they feel like doing. When I see pictures of Beyoncé or other glamorous famous pregnant people on the red carpet in heels and gowns, fully made up, I silently weep for them. Because there is no way that's what they want to be wearing or where they want to be. They want to be hunched over the sink in sweatpants digging Duncan Hines frosting out of the can with their finger. And that's where they should be.
I see what she's doing here. This is what we in the biz (I have no idea what biz I'm talking about) refer to as reverse psychology. She is simply not asking you to go to the store and pick up these very specific things that she is definitely not in the mood for right now. There is so much yummy food that she definitely isn't lying on the couch dreaming of eating right now. Don't worry about it all.
Listen, trying on bathing suits when you're not pregnant is no fun. I can't imagine what it's like when your body is just not your body anymore. I don't know what they were thinking when they created women's swimwear, but it's hard to find something that fits your body and looks good and doesn't make you want to cover it up with a giant t-shirt. Believe me, I know the feeling. Being pregnant in a bathing suit? That's a whole 'nother ball game.
Sometimes when you're pregnant, you have grand plans to go to the kitchen and cook dinner so it's ready for your partner when they arrive home. But the best laid pregnant plans often fail, as the saying goes. Sometimes, instead of cooking dinner, you have to kneel on the floor for a while and just sort of...stay there. And breathe. And then sometimes you get stuck in that position. And there's pretty much nothing you can do about it until someone comes to rescue you.