I turned 30 a few months ago, and I'm feeling it. I'm going to be 100 percent straight with you: at this very moment, I am sitting in such a weird position because I did something to my neck while sleeping, and I have to sit like this so I'm not in excruciating pain. This is what getting old is about.
When you're little, all you want to do is grow up and be an adult. But now that you're an adult, things you romanticized aren't that great. The grown-up table is a full-on snoozefest. Staying up past 10 feels like a true feat some days. And eating candy anytime you want is bad news. Being an adult is terrible, but at least these tweets prove we're not alone.
Not gonna lie, when I saw the top picture, I freaked! I was like, "WOW, what a beautiful full moon, and such a lovely shot from behind the tree branches!" I fell for it, folks. Me and my legally-blind-without-corrective-lenses eyes totally fell for it.
It was a hell of a thing to realize that a whole bunch of people who are way more famous than I am are also way younger than I am! Athletes are the worst offenders at making us feel old, which is why I don't watch sports.
Here's the thing, though. Expensive cheese is so worth it. It's one of those things... All cheese is great, but there are miles and miles between a nice block of Humboldt Fog (one of the best cheeses) and a Kraft single. Gimme that $9 wedge! I earned it!
I feel this one so hard. I get inordinately excited when I finally get to use a brand new sponge, with its lack of bad smells, its perfectly bouncy base, and that nice, rough top. It transforms the chore of doing the dishes from something I detest with my whole being to something I reluctantly do because it will help me feel like a person again.
Not only do I have a favorite grocery store, but I have different grocery stores that I go to for different things. Vons for everyday shopping, Whole Foods for special items, and Trader Joe's when I want to have a heart-to-heart with a lovely grocery store employee. They're just so nice there!
It used to be the weekends were for fun and sloth, but now you're old. When I can use my day off to run errands, I am as happy as a clam. A clam who's like, "I finally have free time to get my shell polished, vacuum my ocean bed, and call my grandmother."
Oh hey! This is exactly what has happened to me. I feel very fine and normal about it and I am definitely not carrying myself like a robot in Westworld who only recently realized she could think her own thoughts.
No joke, I was listening to the oldies radio station in L.A. when Coldplay came on. Coldplay. I freaked out and kept changing the station and going back because I thought it must be a mistake. But it was not.
Probably the most shocking and important lesson I learned as I got older is that adults have figured out literally nothing. I expected the adults I interacted with in the real world to just like, know how it all works and navigate everything perfectly, but that's a lie. Growing up and getting wiser is a myth. We're all idiots, all the time, forever.
Here's the thing. When my fiancé had a job that ended at 3:30 every day, we ate dinner by 6:00 and were in bed by 9:00. And let me tell you, it was glorious. These days, he gets off of work much later, so we stay up to, like, 11 p.m. like teenagers or something!
Listen. As you get older, your dreams recalibrate and your priorities change, and that's OK. Once you realize how hard it is to wake up every morning, go to work, pay your bills, and have a life, you realize that it's all a lot harder than they make it out to be.
Again, there are a select few people (usually who come from generational wealth) who can frolic all over the world and pursue their wildest dreams when they reach adulthood. The rest of us have to learn to find comfort in the little things and explore on a slightly more budget-friendly scale.
It's weird because Hot Topic is known as like, the band t-shirt store, and the only people I know who wear band t-shirts are teenagers and 50-year-old dads. Where do the dads get their band t-shirts if not from Hot Topic?
No one really wants to get hit by a car. Unless you're not seriously injured, it's an expensive car, and you end up with a massive settlement. Then, it doesn't seem so bad.
The only people who are allowed to call me are my parents and my grandparents. And I guess my doctor's office, but I'm not picking those up. The doctor can leave a voicemail, and I'll call back in three to five days when I work up the courage to talk to a person in order to reschedule my appointment.
A truer tweet has never been tweeted. I don't know what happens in those 10 years, but when you're in your 20s, you think you'd 100 percent keep working if you won the lottery. I turned 30 and was immediately like, "How can I retire on a farm, like, now?"
This is very true. Trees are wrinkly. Trees stand still. Parts of trees start dying slowly, and there's nothing they can do about it. Being a tree... or an adult person... is hard.
Adulthood is a constant cycle of feeling pain, thinking you're dying, rationalizing yourself out of thinking you're dying, doing nothing about it even though you still in the back of your mind think that you might be dying, and then feeling more pain.
Everyone is tired. Adults without children are tired. Parents are extra tired. You exist in degrees of tiredness, but you're pretty much some level of tired all the time when you're an adult.
This is a good litmus test. An embarrassing one, for sure, but an effective one. May people continue to laugh when you fall down for years to come!