Start 2023 off Right With 31 New Year's Eve Jokes

Celebrate the new year with these hilarious New Year's Eve jokes that are mostly funny because they're so true. We all need a good laugh these days.


Dec. 29 2022, Updated 1:47 p.m. ET

New Year's Jokes
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Is it just us or has 2022 been the weirdest year ever? No matter what your 2022 looked like, we're hoping you're ready to embrace the new year and welcome 2023 to your life.

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We're guessing that this year, you could use a good laugh to make sure you start the new year off on the right foot. That's why we found these jokes for you!

Here are 31 New Year's Eve jokes that'll make for better conversation than sharing resolutions everyone knows you won't actually follow.

new years eve jokes
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New Year's Eve Dad Jokes

1. My New Year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

2. Every year on New Year's Eve, when everyone's counting down the final 10 seconds to ring in the new year, I get up off the couch and stand up. I stand up and raise my left leg and just leave it raised for a little while until the countdown finishes and midnight strikes so that I always start the new year off on the right foot.

3. New Year? I just got used to this last one!

4. My wife still hasn't told me what my New Year's resolutions are.

5. "I promise not to make any bad jokes for the rest of the year." — A dad on New Year's Eve

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6. A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

7. My New Year's resolution is 1080p.

8. My New Years resolution is going well, I’ve given up chocolate! Not thinking about it, it’s not even in my vocadbury.

New Year's Eve One-Liners

new years eve jokes one liners
Source: Photo by Moritz Knöringer on Unsplash

9. If 2022 was a person, I'd sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages.

10. May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions.

11. This New Year's I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess.

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12. My New Year's resolution is to break my New Year's resolutions. That way I succeed at something!

13. New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar.

14. My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain 10 pounds so I look skinnier.

15. I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.

16. I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.

17. Is there a ‘New Years Adam’ as well?

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18. My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my TV.

19. An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

new years eve jokes
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New Year's Eve Jokes for Adults

20. On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, as the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

21. If you're born in September, it's pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a bang!

22. What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year? He gave up thinking.

23. Where can you find comedians on New Year's Eve? Waiting for the punchline.

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24. A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year, everybody." "It's June, you drunk," replies the waiter. The drunk man looks at his watch and says, "Oh my god, my wife is going to kill me! I have never been so late in my life!"

25. Every New Year’s Day, I have the same question: “How did I get home?”

new years eve jokes adults
Source: Photo by Artem Kniaz on Unsplash
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26. My brother's New Year's resolution is to move out of my parents' house. You'd think after 49 years, he'd try another one.

27. An iPhone and a firework were arrested on New Year's Eve. One was charged and the other was let off.

28. What do you call always wanting a date for New Year's Eve? Social Security.

29. When did the New Years' baby's voice change? When his ball dropped.

30. My resolution was to read more, so I turned on the subtitles on my TV.

31. What did the woman say when she was offered a raisin on New Year’s Eve? "No thanks, I already have a date."

Happy 2023! Here's hoping this one will be better than the last — which is a pretty low bar to clear, if we're being honest!

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