Little kids have so much undeserved confidence. It's part of what makes them so hilarious. They love to talk about themselves and brag about the most random, weirdest things. A recent AskReddit thread asked the parents of Reddit to share the best "weird flex but OK" moments they've seen from their own kids. These are some of the funniest stories you will read today.
ONCETWICENEVER has a three-year-old daughter who loves to poop in the backyard without anyone knowing. For weeks, they picked it up wondering why the dog's poop looked so weird. One day, they looked out the window where both of their daughters were playing in the yard. The three-year-old bent down and started pooping, and her five-year-old sister started spraying her with the water hose "as soon as the log hit the ground." That's an image they will never forget.
When kids are being potty trained, often positive reinforcement can help. For THSSFC's son, he got a temporary tattoo every time he had a successful potty trip. After a while, his whole torso was covered in tattoos. They didn't think much about it, but then one day they went to the pool. "We took his shirt off and he strode out into the pool with this toddler abs and Thomas the Tank train shorts, looking like he had just finished a hard set of reps at the free weights in the prison yard."
Potty training seems to be ripe for hilarious tales. When Jrfemfin's son was learning to wipe on his own, he would go to the bathroom then strip down naked, come running out, "ben over with his cheeks spread, and shout, 'Hey, Mom! I wiped my butt all by myself!! Lookit!!" Ah, the good old days when performing a simple task like wiping your own butt could make you so proud you'd have to run to your parents to share the news.
This one really got me. Gatorphan's seven-year-old daughter didn't want their houseguests to go into her room "because they might see her awards (good grades, tae kwon do belts). She worried they would think she was famous." Oh, honey. Oh, cutie pie. You're not famous. You're not even that special. I hope her parents told her in the nicest way possible that lots of people have awards like that and while they are great, they are not enough to make her famous.
ThaneOfCawdorrr's son had a similar problem in that he thought what he did was a way bigger deal than it actually was. At six years old, he bragged to a friend "that he had once thrown up his entire Chinese dinner on his bedroom carpet and you could see the food and everything." Wow that is very gross and I need to move on now so I don't keep accidentally picturing it in my mind.
Little kids are often obsessed with their own genitals to a hilarious degree. PrincessOtterpop's brother was two or three years old when he rolled down the car window at the gas station, called over the attendant, who happened to have a mullet, and shouted, "Hey mister! I got a penis!" That poor guy probably had no idea how to respond to that. "Well...good for you! I guess! Please don't make me any more uncomfortable than I already am!"
Sparkssparkssparkle's five-year-old son woke up with a hoarse voice from a cold. When they said, "Oh, you've got a cold," he said, "No. I think I'm a man now." Sure, kid. That's how that works.
NobodyBallad's daughter creepily told her that she "used to control me from the inside when she was in my tummy." The thing about that is that I believe it. Whether they know they're doing it or not, baby's definitely control the person who's pregnant with them. Can you say hormones?
Andante528's seven-year-old daughter came up to them and said, "There are lots of members of our family tree, and I'm probably the prettiest one, don't you think?" This was an extra weird flex since she is an identical twin. As a parent, how do you answer that? "Knock it down a few pegs, kid, you're not that pretty" seems like it's too harsh, but you can't tell a kid she prettier than her twin sister!
Speaking of overblown confidence... Thisdragonis's five-year-old son is super obsessed with cars. He drives his go kart around the driveway all the time. Once, their neighbors yelled out, "Wow, you're amazing, kiddo!" And this kid super seriously responds: "I know. I'm a better driver than most of the grownups I know." Maybe you would be, kid, if your feet could reach the pedals in a real car. But not yet.
I love this one so much. Morethanhardbread's five-year-old daughter thinks she is best friends with every animal she comes across. "See a moth? 'Oh, that's Stella, my moth friend.' A bird? 'That's Jake, my bird friend. He's on his way to his grandma's!' A rattlesnake? 'Don't kill it, mom! That's Jenna. She's a nice protector snake.'" I see a future for this kid in veterinary medicine. She's clearly like, Eliza Thornberry-level connected to these animals.
Yxe1982's son once asked exactly how old he was. "About four years, 10 months, and four days," they told him. A long pause later, he replied, "...and I haven't been bit by a single wild animal." That's so funny. Did he think that it was that common to be bit by wild animals? But also, has he never had a mosquito bite? A bee sting? Because technically, those are wild animal bites. Might be a bit premature to celebrate, buddy.
Poor sweetxexile had an Amber Alert go off on their phone while their six-year-old daughter was playing a game on it. She asked what it was so they explained that it's "a message that gets sent out if a kid gets kidnapped." She asked why they send the message to everyone even though it happened far away from them. They told her "because they want everyone to look and find the kid. Wouldn't you want everyone to look if you got kidnapped? They want to find the kid so they don't get killed." That's when this little girl leaned over and whispered, "I'm very difficult to kill."
Ishnian's four-year-old son was trying to impress this girl who lives next door, so he did what any little kid would do. "He leaned casually on his arms and said, 'I have lots of accidents. Pee and poop accidents.'" I mean, someone call the police! This kid is so suave it should be illegal. We have a veritable James Bond on our hands. Or should I say Accidents. Pee and Poop Accidents. This is too funny.
PraiseCthulu was babysitting their cousin when this hilarity went down. "She got really close to me and smelled like rotten eggs, so I asked her if she farted and she immediately replied, 'No, that's my breaf.'" Ew, but also, at least she knows her own body, right? But girl, do something about it! Brush your teeth! This is a problem that is very easily solved by a toothbrush and a little bit of toothpaste.
Sometimes kids are worried about starting a new year of school. That's understandable. What's hilarious, though, is why this kid was hesitant about starting second grade. Jeanneeebeanneee's son expressed that while he was excited to be in "Mrs. So-and-so's class" for second grade, he was also worried. When asked why he was worried, he said, "What if she fall in love with me and wants to marry me?" Kid, I'm sure you're not as much of a charmer as you think.