This Dad's Baffling Cereal Categories Are Hilariously Weird

Instead of their actual names, he labels them random words like "crunch," "privacy," "Ambien," and "tree." Twitter had some ideas about what those could possibly mean.

Robin Zlotnick - Author

Dec. 23 2019, Updated 1:52 p.m. ET

We look forward to the traditions of the holiday season every single year. When Christmas rolls around, it's all about gathering with those you love, drinking hot chocolate in front of a fire, and traveling home to your parents' house for the first time in months, witnessing the absolutely bonkers things they have in their houses, and exploiting them for Online Content. 

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This story is about that last item. Slavoj recently found himself in his dad's kitchen, where the man keeps very organized containers of many types of breakfast cereal. That in itself is a little strange — I guess the man really likes cereal. But what's even weirder is the way he labels them. Don't get me wrong. They are extremely organized. He even has those plastic cereal containers that are like cereal boxes but plastic, and chalkboard stickers with which to label them. But his choice in labels... Well, you just have to see for yourself.

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In case you can't see, the labels, from left to right, read, "Crunch," "Privacy," "Yum!," "Sugar Baby!," "Ambien," and "Tree." When you first start reading them, you're like, "OK, 'Crunch.' Makes sense." But then you're like, "Um, 'Privacy?' What? 'Yum!' Back to making sense. 'Sugar Baby!' A little weird, but seems accurate. 'Ambien.' ...Are those Mini Wheats laced with sleeping pills? 'Tree.' OK, I think this guy is legit out of his mind."

Slavoj's tweet about his dad's "surreal cereal labeling methodology" went totally viral, garnering over 12,000 retweets and 110,000 likes. It's just so bizarre. It must say something about Slavoj's dad, but what? It's hard to tell. 

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This seems like a very private and personal method of categorization. I have so many questions about it. Does Slavoj's mom also live there? If so, does she understand this too? Is this like, a joke? Or does his dad really only understand what cereal he's about to eat based on these seemingly random words? There has got to be an explanation for this. 

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I really hope Slavoj sits down with his dad and records an interview about the cereal categories that he releases. It will be the biggest hit of the internet. There really do only seem to be a few possible rational explanations for these labels, and Twitter user Jack seems to think he's figured it out: 

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Right? Like, what else could it be? One of the labels is literally "Ambien." It really seems like the other words could be "code" for something else. I would ask a lot of questions before I decided to pour myself a bowl of any of those cereals for breakfast. 

Usually, when people go home for the holidays, they find their mom's weird figurine collection or the giant boat their dad decided to try to build that takes up their childhood bedroom. These bonkers cereal labels, however, are something no one could have ever seen coming. It's almost... concerning. What is Slavoj's dad up to? 

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One Twitter user seems to think she's cracked the code, and, if she has the cereal types right, she might be right. Nikita Kronenberg doesn't know Slavoj's father, I don't think, but she still seems to believe she can translate his cereal labels. 

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Is that granola in there? If so, "Crunch" would make sense. If the second one is bran cereal, then the "Privacy" label would kind of make sense, since it sends you to the bathroom. If you need a moment of privacy, you might eat a bowl of bran to give yourself an excuse. "Yum!" though, could refer to any sugary cereal. Maybe it's Golden Crisps. Maybe that's the plastic container his dad uses for any indulgent treat cereal.

"Sugar Baby!" is, obviously, Cap'n Crunch. That's true. It's pure sugar, the kind that rips the roof of your mouth open. I'm less convinced about the Mini Wheats as "Ambien." But yes, Grape Nuts do definitely seem like bits of sawdust (that being said, I love them!). Maybe this is the reasoning behind Slavoj's dad's system, but more than likely, it's something that we will just never understand. I think I would actually pay up to $10 to learn the truth, though. 

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